Experiences Unwrapped
Experiences unwrapped delves deeper into the understanding of significant events and how we are shaped by them.
I have always been interested in deriving meaning from life events. Rather than allow an event to pass me by and perhaps say, “Well that’s just my luck. Or the universe works in ways I’ll never understand. Or, I guess I just have to get on with it.” I look at the event as a way of getting some kind of understanding. Such as thought processes; how it left me feeling. How I reacted. What I learned. But more importantly, how I interpreted the event which led to my thoughts, feeling and actions.
How we interpret and appraise life events is possibly the single most determining factor of how the event will affect us and how we live our lives thereafter. That doesn’t mean we won’t feel upset or hurt, rather what we do with those emotions.
Below is a real life example of the power of how we can view life events happening to us. The example has been broken down as much as possible to help develop an in depth understanding of the individual’s process.
(The information below has been anonymized and permission has been granted.)
Briefly what happened?
I left home as a young teenager.
How I coped? What I did to manage the negative emotions? What strengths did I draw on? Who did I ask for help?
This was the first big decision I had made in my life. I was 15 years old. I coped by drawing on the fact that I knew I was going to a better life, although it still felt risky as I was leaving a life which had been my entire life. I was moving from something negatively familiar to something potentially positively unfamiliar. I allowed my emotions (sadness and fear of the unknown) out as much as I could at the time, which sometimes got the better of me but inever beat myself up. I draw on the fact I had made a big decision and it was only normal to feel what I did. A family member helped me through it by offering me a different perspective.
How did I evaluate (interpret)/appraise (what comes of this?)/attribute (what could this mean) the situation?
I saw this as a chance for a better life. To better myself. My appraisal was that something good is going to come of this which could mean having a career, developing myself, and earning money. This life, although uncertain, possessed more possibilities.
How I felt at the time and what I would do differently now?
I felt bloody uncertain and kept wondering whether I’d made a mistake and maybe I could retreat back into my old life.
​I would have released more emotion and expressed myself more. These were strong emotions which were unfamiliar. My life skills were so limited at the time I find it difficult to see what else I could’ve done. I’d like to add more, but this is it.
What have I learned? How do I put it to use now?
Make decisions! I have always been proud that despite the pressure for me not to leave and the intense emotional attachment, I made the decision. I still feel this was the most difficult and beneficial decision of my life.
​I trust myself in my decision making. It’s not always perfect but I’m rewarded more often than not. The more decisions a person makes the more confident they become. And this was true for me too!
How did this event influence my life for the better?
I do not think I have enough time here. I could spend weeks writing. It was the most important decision of my life and to this day I reflect upon it often. It fills me with dread to think what could’ve happened if I did not make it. That familiar, doesn’t mean better, it just makes it easier not to choose and keeps us in the same place.
Recognizing the onset of my adaptation to the event. How have I maintained this process?
If I’m honest, as it was the first big decision I had made, I can only really recognize in retrospect. I guess it is knowing that despite the strong feelings to stay, I had to leave. My maintenance is in recognizing just what a positive effect this had on my life. I gained, confidence, life skills and a career. I still see what a forward move this was. And whenever doubt creeps in, I remember what I was capable of at such a young age.
Briefly what happened?
Naming the event: Relationship break up/job loss/etc
How did I evaluate (interpret)/appraise (what comes of this?)/attribute (what could this mean) the situation? As in the above example it is how we view the event through our own eyes which is important. Do we see it as an opportunity? Something we feel we can’t recover from? Something permanent? Something that can be overcome?
The meaning we derive from the event will ultimately determine how we respond. If we say, “This always happens to me” or “what’s the point there’s nothing I can do, so why bother?” Then the likelihood of us taking positive action is slim.
The event maybe outside of our control, but how we respond isn’t.
How I felt at the time and what I would do differently now?
Reflection is a great way of developing a new perspective. A different perspective offers us other routes of action. We’re not fixed in looking at problems in only one way.
What have I learned? How do I put it to use now?
The key to learning is putting it to use. Practice that which works, or at least makes a difference. One of the biggest benefits to this is that it helps us develop different perspectives and solutions.
How long did it take to see a new opportunity?
The sooner we reflect, the sooner we gain insight and see opportunity. Once we reflect on what we did, and why we did it, we equip ourselves with the knowledge of why we act the way we do.
How did this event influence my life for the better?
Too often we focus on the negatives (which is an evolutionary hardwire). How it left us feeling and how it impacted our lives (nothing wrong in acknowledging this). However, solely focusing on the negatives leaves us feeling disempowered.
It’s developing the opportunity to see how you adapted and managed the situation. How it allowed you to evolve.
Recognizing the onset of my adaptation to the event. How have I maintained this process?
Recognizing when you began to take control, rather than allow the event to control you. Reflection offers self-awareness and self-awareness allows us to respond differently.
Maintenance is reminding ourselves of just how capable we are. And that although life throws things at us, as difficult as this may be, we always have a choice in how we respond.